Humour Quotes

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Cassandra Clare

I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?''He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear.'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment.Hagrid bit his lip.'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.'Harry suddenly turned to Ron.'Charlie,' he said.'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?

J.K. Rowling

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Blaise Pascal

Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends - whether he may be equally capable of retaining them is less certain.

Jane Austen

He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.

Terry Pratchett

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.

Samuel Johnson

To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

Jane Austen

The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.

John Green

Human relations, at least between the sexes, were carried on as relations between countries are now - with ambassadors, and treaties. The parties concerned met on the great occasion of the proposal. If this were refused, a state of war was declared.

Virginia Woolf

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Christopher Hitchens

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Oscar Wilde

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.

Jane Austen

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Bertrand Russell

If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

J.K. Rowling

You stole a boat, she snapped. What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?

Cassandra Clare

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess thy folly!

Samuel Johnson

Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no.

Terry Pratchett

Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they werenight-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven.But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehowI put it all together and figured that the food God served causedmultiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Jodi Picoult

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield