Rita Rudner Quotes

A collection of quotes by Rita Rudner.

Rita Rudner is an American comedian, actress, and writer, known for her unique and witty sense of humor. She was born on September 17, 1953, in Miami, Florida. Rudner began her career in show business as a dancer, performing in various musicals and Broadway shows in the 1970s. However, it was her transition to stand-up comedy in the 1980s that brought her widespread recognition and success.

Rudner's comedy style is characterized by her clever one-liners, self-deprecating humor, and sharp observations about everyday life. Her hilariously relatable jokes often revolve around topics like relationships, marriage, and the differences between men and women. She has a distinctive delivery, combining a soft-spoken and sweet demeanor with quick-witted punchlines.

Throughout her career, Rita Rudner has performed on various television programs, including The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. She has also appeared in numerous comedy specials and has written several books, including "Naked Beneath My Clothes" and "I Still Have It, I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It."

Rudner continues to tour and perform her stand-up comedy across the United States, attracting audiences with her trademark humor and charming stage presence. With her enduring success, she has proven to be one of the most talented and beloved comedians of her generation.

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one s

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a chi

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that th

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepp

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for m

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlig

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?