We were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hottoday.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.
Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes,officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
They can't tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.
n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friendswent to the funeral in one car.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old no
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or, sadder yet, no longer necessary.
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