I don't even know how to use a parking meter, let alone a phone box.

Whether it's viewers of the show or readers of my columns and books, I'm consistently impressed with their wit, humor and insight. That goes for about 95 percent of the audience. The other five percent are why the 'Delete' option and restraining orders were invented.

Richard Roeper

Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.

Henry Fielding

My mortal foe can no ways wish me a greater harm than England's hate neither should death be less welcome unto me than such a mishap betide me.

Elizabeth I

It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.

Elizabeth Taylor

The human body has two ends on it: one to create with and one to sit on. Sometimes people get their ends reversed. When this happens they need a kick in the seat of the pants.

Roger von Oech

The Negro revolution is controlled by foxy white liberals, by the Government itself. But the Black Revolution is controlled only by God.

Malcolm X

If you do what you love, it is the best way to relax.

Christian Louboutin

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Political liberty is to be found only in moderate governments.

Charles Montesquieu

Do you want this to be a love story?

Jenny Downham

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win.

Barry Crimmins

I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.

Richard Pryor