My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... All right...you're ugly too!

My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar andasked her, Do you live around here often? She said, You'rewearing two different colored socks. I said, Yes, but to methey're the same because I go by thickness. Then she asked,How do you feel? and I said, Well, you know when you'resitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legsthen you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the lastsecond you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.

Alan Perlis

Notwithstanding these setbacks, the dream of a beautiful American orchestra goes on, and I share Dr. King's faith that each year we move inexorably closer to a magnificent opening night.

Adam Schiff

A lot of the music that you listen to now is because of the things that the Meters did, the Neville Brothers did, and they're there, the guys who invented those beats that the guys sample today. Such an enormous opportunity.

Harry Connick, Jr.

I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.

Oscar Wilde

Suffering, it turns out, demands profound imagination. A new future has to be conjured up because the old future isn't there anymore.

Rob Bell

Our true history is scarcely ever deciphered by others. The chief part of the drama is a monologue, or rather an intimate debate between God, our conscience, and ourselves. Tears, grieves, depressions, disappointments, irritations, good and evil thoughts, decisions, uncertainties, deliberations --all these belong to our secret, and are almost all incommunicable and intransmissible, even when we try to speak of them, and even when we write them down.

Henri Frederic Amiel

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.

Erich Fromm

No people is wholly civilized where a distinction is drawn between stealing an office and stealing a purse.

Theodore Roosevelt

It is false zeal to keep truth while wounding charity

Blaise Pascal

A library of wisdom, is more precious than all wealth, and all things that are desirable cannot be compared to it. Whoever therefore claims to be zealous of truth, of happiness, of wisdom or knowledge, must become a lover of books.

Plato