Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

When people meet me, many times they're very surprised because they expect someone who is kind of wacky with seven piercings and very hip and cool and New York City, and I'm not.

Augusten Burroughs

Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.

Fran Lebowitz

It is wrong to bear children out of need, wrong to use a child to alleviate loneliness, wrong to provide purpose in life by reproducing another copy of oneself. It is wrong also to seek immortality by spewing one's germ into the future as though sperm contains your consciousness!

Irvin D. Yalom

Sometimes in football you have to score goals.

Thierry Henry

You can't apply the rules of a club to people who are not members of that club.

Penn Jillette

Romance is mush, stifling those who strive.

Billy Strayhorn

It's only at this age that I can say the word 'art' without flinching.

Mira Nair

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Mark Twain

I do some of my best thinking while pulling weeds.

Martha Smith

Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But this is certainly not the case.

Bobby Jones

You are never giving, nor can you ever give, enough service.

James R. Cook