Humour Quotes

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

Jane Austen

Words were insufficient for the elevation of his [Mr Collins'] feelings; and he was obliged to walk about the room, while Elizabeth tried to unite civility and truth in a few short sentences.

Jane Austen

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

[He]said something that made it impossible to continue working for him.[The exact words were]You're fired.

Christopher Hitchens

It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.

Terry Pratchett

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

William Shakespeare

There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.

Paulo Coelho

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

Cassandra Clare

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.-Can we?-Damned if I know. I can't.-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.-Can you?-No!-Ah-ha!

Terry Pratchett

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.

Terry Pratchett

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it.

Cassandra Clare

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what things were originally made for.

Oscar Wilde

Upon my word, sir, your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make ME happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so. Nay, were your friend Lady Catherine to know me, I am persuaded she would find me in every respect ill qualified for the situation.

Jane Austen

She was nothing more than a mere good-tempered, civil and obliging Young Woman; as such we could scarcely dislike her -- she was only an Object of Contempt

Jane Austen

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--

Cassandra Clare

philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.

Friedrich Nietzsche

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.

Christopher Hitchens

Hank, when people call people nerds mostly what they're saying is,'You like stuff'.

John Green

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.MRS ALLONBY: And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.

Oscar Wilde