The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When I go to my live shows it's often a multigenerational audience, a family bonding experience.
Al Yankovic
A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who attends college and graduates as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad.
Theodore Roosevelt, (attempting
The greatest public health threat for many American women is the men they live with.
Anna Quindlen
Wisdom mitigates the risk of being honest.
Toba Beta
In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter.
Chinese Proverb
When politics and home life have become one and the same thing, [...] then,[...] it is evident that we will be in a state of total liberty or anarchy.
Leo Tolstoy
Some pious men may find this truth unorthodox and bitter: But Nature, Chance, and Time ensure survival of the fitter!
Robert Charles Wilson
A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.
Jean Genet
Writer's block is caused by forcing your will on the Divine.
Chriscinthia Blount
A mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering from the griddle; dusted with fragrant pepper; enriched with little melting bits of butter of the most impeachable freshness and genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender, yellowish fat gracing an out-lying district of this ample county of beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the tenderloin still in its place.
Mark Twain
Love is the most terrible, and also the most generous of the passions it is the only one which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.
Alphonse Karr
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