Smartass Disciple: Please teach me about the truth, master.Master of Stupidity: Hmmm...tell me about your sexperience!

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

Bill Cosby

People always ask me if I could live in any other era what would it be, and I tell them none! I feel so lucky to live in an age where technology has changed and continues to change and make life so much more exciting. It keeps everyone young and constantly learning new things.

Nina Garcia

Do not arouse disdainful mind when you prepare a broth of wild grasses; do not arouse joyful mind when you prepare a fine cream soup.

Dogen

Children being children, however, the grotesque Hopping Pot had taken hold of their imaginations. The solution was to jettison the pro-Muggle moral but keep the warty cauldron, so by the middle of the sixteenth century a different version of the tale was in wide circulation among wizarding families. In the revised story, the Hopping Pot protects an innocent wizard from his torch-bearing, pitchfork-toting neighbours by chasing them away from the wizard's cottage, catching them and swallowing them whole.

J.K. Rowling

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Robert Frost

Round numbers are always false.

Samuel Johnson

Most of those who make collections of verse or epigram are like men eating cherries or oysters: they choose out the best at first, and end by eating all.

Nicolas Chamfort

In the relationship between man and religion, the state is firmly committed to a position of neutrality.

Tom C. Clark

Not to be born is, past all prizing, best.

Sophocles

Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time.

Abraham Lincoln

The missionary is no longer a man, a conscience. He is a corpse, in the hands of a confraternity, without family, without love, without any of the sentiments that are dear to us. Emasculated, in a sense, by his vow of chastity, he offers us the distressing spectacle of a man deformed and impotent or engaged in a stupid and useless struggle with the sacred needs of the flesh, a struggle which, seven times out of ten, leads him to sodomy, the gallows, or prison.

Paul Gauguin

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman