If you want to happy for the rest of your life, make a crack-whore your wife.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Adam Carolla

When ever a person talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not their reason, but their passions, which have got the better of their beliefs. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbors; and when they separate, depend on it that it is for the sake of peace and quiet.

Laurence Sterne

I wish I could stand on a busy street corner, hat in hand, and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours.

Bernard Berenson

We wear on our faces the results of what we believe and how we behave, and such behavior is most evident in the eyes and on the faces of those who have lived many years.

Gordon B. Hinckley

Geng Lei was a famous archer of the state of Wei. One day while he was on an excursion outside the city with the King of Wei, he saw a bird circling in the sky. The King asked him to down the goose with an arrow. He answered: I don't have to use an arrow. I can just make the bird fall down from the sky with my arch. Do you have that marvellous skill? asked the King. Presently they saw the wild goose flying from the east. Geng Ying twanged the string of his bow and indeed the wild goose at once dropped to the ground in front of them. You're really a wonderful archer, said the King with approval. Geng Lei said, This is a wounded wild goose. From its desolate cry and tired flight you can see its wound has not yet healed. When it heard the twang of my bow-string, it thought it was again hit by an arrow and fell from the sky.

Chinese Proverb, Best Chinese Id

Man is manacled only by himself; thought and action are the jailers of Fate.

James Allen

To be womanly is one thing, and one only; it is to be sensitive to man, to be highly endowed with the sex instinct; to be manly is to be sensitive to woman.

Jane Harrison

Though all afflictions are evils in themselves, yet they are good for us, because they discover to us our disease and tend to our cure.

John Tillotson

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing.

Gertrude Stein

It is not desirable to cultivate a respect for law, so much as a respect for right.

Henry David Thoreau

You have to know what's important and what's unimportant, for you.

David Harold Fink

My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that.

Paul Lynde