Demetri Martin Quotes

A collection of quotes by Demetri Martin.

Demetri Martin is a well-known American comedian, actor, writer, and director. Born on May 25, 1973, in New York City, Martin first gained popularity through his unique style of deadpan humor, often combining one-liners with clever drawings on large paper pads.

After graduating from Yale University with a degree in History, Martin began his career in comedy, initially performing stand-up in New York City clubs. His witty and intelligent observations soon caught the attention of audiences and comedy enthusiasts alike.

Martin rose to further prominence with his appearances as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart from 2003 to 2006. He became known for his offbeat segments, including "Trendspotting" and "Trendspotting Lite," where he humorously explored societal trends.

With his distinctive delivery and dry humor, Martin has since released several comedy albums, including "These Are Jokes" in 2006 and "Standup Comedian" in 2015. He has also written and starred in his own television series, "Important Things with Demetri Martin," which aired on Comedy Central.

Beyond comedy, Martin has explored other creative endeavors. He wrote and directed the independent film "Dean" in 2016, which was critically acclaimed and won the Tribeca Film Festival's Founders Award for Best Narrative Feature.

Recognized for his sharp wit and unconventional comedy style, Demetri Martin continues to entertain audiences with his inventive humor and various creative ventures.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, becau

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, lik

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Hope

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Funny

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for year

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Money

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a fun

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Funny

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Funny

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't d

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Government

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Hope

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note o

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Cool

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Good

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

Attitude

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to cre

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Alone

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Home

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Dreams

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Alone

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Birthday

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I w

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Funny

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will no

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Car