Funny Quotes

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

Thor Heyerdahl

Now that I think about it, maybe he is a werewolf. I can picture him lunging over the moors in hot pursuit of his prey, and I'm certain that he wouldn't think twice about eating an innocent bystander. I'll watch him closely at the next full moon. He's asked me to go dancing tomorrow--perhaps I should wear a high collar. Oh, that's vampires, isn't it? I think I am a little giddy. (After meeting Mr. Markham V. Reynolds, Jr.)

Mary Ann Shaffer

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

Nora Ephron

I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can.

Jarod Kintz

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

I wasn't even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.

Michael Bergin

Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.?

Jarod Kintz

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?Master of Stupidity: I wasn't thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind.

Toba Beta

I never wanted to be a painter; I wanted to be a tap dancer.

Andy Warhol

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Bauvard

I think Janeane Garofalo is incredibly funny, and I love Dennis Miller.

Kristen Johnston

It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

Thomas Mcguane

While they were saying it couldn't be done, it was done.

Helen Keller

There was something touching about the fact that Murray was dressed almost totally in corduroy.

Don DeLillo

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Bill Watterson

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

Jarod Kintz

Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.

Richard P. Feynman

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

Benny Bellamacina