Browse through our collection of quotes tagged with Humor.
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Albert Einstein
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
An honest politician is an oxymoron.
Have you tried talking to her? No, Jace said, we've been punching her repeatedly in the face instead.
Cassandra Clare
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
Rodney Dangerfield
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.
Jarod Kintz
Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thyfriends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it...deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,a cooling fan of feathers.
Thomas Dekker
Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.
Jesse Ventura
People either have comedy or they don't. You can't teach it to them.
Lucille Ball
My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica? ?
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
Erma Bombeck
and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.
Charles Dickens
Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.
Joanne Harris
Sex is not about reproduc-tion, gender is not about males and females, courtship is not aboutpersuasion, fashion is not about beauty, and love is not about affec-tion. Below the surface of every banality and cliche there lies irony,cynicism, and profundity.
Matt Ridley
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark...
- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.
William Shakespeare
As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.
John Green
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.
Colin Quinn
Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.
