Humor Quotes

What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.

Terry Pratchett

I got a book for my birthday How to make it big I had to take it back.

Rodney Dangerfield

The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.

Martin Amis

Maybe if God gives you a handicap, he makes sure you've got a few extra doses of humor to take the edge off.

Jodi Picoult

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... Itwasn't doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.

Nancy Cartwright

I don't think humor is forced upon my universe it's a part of it.

Manuel Puig

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Albert Einstein

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Steven Wright

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

Jodi Picoult

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent.

Terry Pratchett

You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.Hermione laughed.

J.K. Rowling

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

Terry Pratchett

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Death is coming but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility.?

Jarod Kintz

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I always felt different as a kid, and the Kinks were like, 'Yeah, we're the Kinks.' Celebrate your difference don't be afraid of your sense of humor, or your personality, or who you are. It emboldened me.

Michael Weatherly

Confidence is at the root of so many attractive qualities, a sense of humor, a sense of style, a willingness to be who you are no matter what anyone else might think or say and it's true, I do have a certain fondness for women that have dark hair.

Wentworth Miller