Humor Quotes

In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.

Terry Pratchett

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.

Neil Gaiman

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

Steven Wright

Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.

Terry Pratchett

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse's hooves: If one of the horse's hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there's probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you're looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse.

Terry Pratchett

He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.

Mark Twain

Bands from Akron have a sense of humor and don't tend to take themselves too seriously.

Dan Auerbach

The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities: a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Wit lies in recognizing the resemblance among things which differ and the difference between things which are alike.

Germaine De Stael

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Erma Bombeck

Avoid witicisms at the expense of others.

Horace Mann

I find that people find a way out of misery through humor and it's humor that's often unacceptable to people who are not in quite such a state of misery.

Danny Boyle

The right honorable gentlemen is indebted to his memory for his jokes and his imagination for his facts.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

I try to offset any tendency towards the macabre with humour. As I see it, this is a typically English form of humour. It's a piece with such jokes as the one about the man who was being led to the gallows to be hanged. He looked at the trap door in the gallows, which was flimsily constructed, and he asked in some alarm, 'I say, is that thing safe?'

Alfred Hitchcock

Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.

Junius

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

Ernest Hemingway

Even the gods love jokes.

Plato

A man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket.

John Dennis