Humor Quotes

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anythingspecifically.

Steven Wright

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

Terry Pratchett

n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Ambrose Bierce

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use theflash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich andtook fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there waslightning in my house.

Steven Wright

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Aristotle

If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington, D.C. I know a couple of bright seventh graders who would not be welcome in Washington D.C.

Kurt Vonnegut

What we're doing is fun - if you have any sense of humor at all!

Calvin Klein

They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)

Plato

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There wasa gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was runningdown the street on a purple wooden horse.

Steven Wright

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Ambrose Bierce

I went to a fancy french restaurant called Deja Vu. Theheadwaiter said, Don't I know you?

Steven Wright

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Jane Austen

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone? - Tiffany Aching in

Terry Pratchett

Here she tossed her foot impatiently, and showed an inch or two of calf. A sailor on the mast, who happened to look down at the moment, started so violently that he missed his footing and only saved himself by the skin of his teeth. 'If the sight of my ankles means death to an honest fellow who, no doubt, has a wife and family to support, I must, in all humanity, keep them covered,' Orlando thought. Yet her legs were among her chieftest beauties. And she fell to thinking what an odd pass we have come to when all a woman's beauty has to be kept covered lest a sailor fall from a mast-head. 'A pox on them!' she said, realizing for the first time what, in other circumstances, she would have been taught as a child, that is to say, the sacred responsibilities of womanhood...

Virginia Woolf

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

Stephen King

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Steven Wright

Provided that nothing like useful knowledge could be gained from them, provided they were all story and no reflection, she had never any objection to books at all.

Jane Austen

I want everything I do to have humor in it, because it seems to me that all of life has that.

Lawrence Kasdan

I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.

Ronald Reagan