Steven Wright Quotes

A collection of quotes by Steven Wright.

Steven Wright is an American comedian, musician, and actor known for his distinct deadpan delivery, one-liner jokes, and surreal sense of humor. He was born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Wright began his career as a stand-up comedian in the late 1970s, performing in small clubs around Boston.

In 1982, Steven Wright gained national recognition after his appearance on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson," where he delivered his dry and witty style, instantly winning over the audience. This led to various television appearances, including late-night shows and sitcoms.

Wright's unique comedic style often involves absurd and ironic observations about everyday life, expressing them in a monotone voice and calm demeanor. His jokes often catch listeners off-guard with unexpected wordplay and mind-bending concepts. He has released multiple comedy albums, including "I Have a Pony" and "I Still Have a Pony."

Aside from comedy, Wright has made notable appearances in films such as "Desperately Seeking Susan" (1985) and "Half Baked" (1998), showcasing his ability to bring his distinctive comedic timing to the big screen.

Steven Wright's deadpan delivery and innovative humor have earned him a dedicated fan base and critical acclaim throughout his career, making him one of the most respected stand-up comedians of his generation.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street whensud

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street whensuddenly the prescription ran out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in th

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in theapartment somewhere.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my hou

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my housewith my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove itaround for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later,I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,Get out of my driveway!

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do youhave any toy train schedules?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. Theys

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. Theysaid, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got p

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birt

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who sa

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes,officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, Sc

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friend

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friendswent to the funeral in one car.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on th

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.