Paula Poundstone Quotes

A collection of quotes by Paula Poundstone.

Paula Poundstone is an American stand-up comedian, author, and actress. Born on December 29, 1959, in Huntsville, Alabama, she grew up in Sudbury, Massachusetts. Poundstone's comedy career took off in the late 1970s when she started performing at open-mic nights in Boston. Her unique style and quirky delivery quickly gained her popularity.

Throughout her career, Poundstone has appeared on numerous talk shows, including "The Tonight Show," "Late Night with David Letterman," and "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson." She is known for her observational humor, often engaging with the audience and incorporating improvisation into her performances. Poundstone's witty and smart sense of humor has made her a beloved figure in the stand-up comedy world.

In addition to her stand-up career, Poundstone has also written three books, including her memoir "There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say" and the follow-up "The Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness." She has made appearances in movies and television shows, most notably as a panelist on the popular radio show "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!".

Paula Poundstone continues to tour and perform her comedy shows across the United States, making audiences laugh with her sharp wit and relatable observations.

They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is t

They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.

Paula Poundstone

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Paula Poundstone

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harde

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

Paula Poundstone

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my ch

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her ou

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is goi

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

Paula Poundstone

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Paula Poundstone