Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
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