Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
It's funny how we 'do' Christmas. Christmas is not something that we do, it is something that was done. It celebrates the long awaited arrival of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. We had nothing to do with it, but what we can do is praise God for the coming of the Lord, who washed away the sins of the world by dying on the cross.
Monica Johnson
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street whensuddenly the prescription ran out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in theapartment somewhere.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
Oscar Wilde
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.
Terry Pratchett
For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
George Bernard Shaw
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my housewith my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove itaround for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later,I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,Get out of my driveway!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do youhave any toy train schedules?
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, ie., everybody, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. Theysaid, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark Twain
Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.
Tucker Carlson
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