I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.

You see how this House of Commons has begun to verify all the ill prophecies that were made of it -- low, vulgar, meddling with everything, assuming universal competency, and flattering every base passion -- and sneering at everything noble refined and truly national. The direct tyranny will come on by and by, after it shall have gratified the multitude with the spoil and ruin of the old institutions of the land.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It is the dissimilarities and inequalities among men which give rise to the notion of honor as such differences become less, it grows feeble and when they disappear, it will vanish too.

Alexis de Tocqueville

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Woody Allen

'Harry Potter' gave me back self respect. Harry gave me a job to do that I loved more than anything else.

J. K. Rowling

When I get married, it'll be no secret.

Elvis Presley

In spite of my great admiration for individual splendid talents I do not accept the star system. Collective creative effort is the root of our kind of art. That requires ensemble acting and whoever mars that ensemble is committing a crime not only against his comrades but also against the very art of which he is the servant.

Konstantin Stanislavisky

Gravity and acceleration are equivalent.

Albert Einstein

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

You want to play house, you got to have a job. You want to play very house, very house, then you got to have a job you don't like. Great. This is the way ninety-eight-point-nine per cent of the people work things out, so believe me, buddy, you've got nothing to apologize for.

Richard Yates

Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but wise.

H. G. Wells

There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary.

Source Unknown

If you do not believe in yourself... chances are nobody else will.

Source Unknown