Funny Quotes

The best fiction is true.

Kinky Friedman

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

Erica Jong

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.

Robin P. Williams

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

Mark Twain

What is believed to be a fact is only a fact until another fact supersedes it. Science is only a fashion. Nothing more.

Robert Rankin

They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.

Lemony Snicket

Falling out of love makes it impossible to leave your children. All you have left is your reputation for their future.

Bauvard

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Fred Allen

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If people want to compete for leadership of a religious group, they can compete in piety. A chilling thought. Or funny.

Mary Douglas

I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to Paris: there's a European specialist there, he treats noses. You go to Paris, he examines your nose: I can treat only your right nostril, he says, I don't treat left nostrils, it's not my specialty, but after me, go to Vienna, there's a separate specialist there who will finish treating your left nostril.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable.

William Shakespeare

Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.

David Sedaris

That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

Nora Roberts

Something but not nothing because nothing is an infinite possibility.

Kyle Kipple

I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.

J.K. Rowling

Life is All About How you Handle Plan BPlan A is always my first choice.You know, the one whereEverything works out to beHappily ever-after.But more often than not,I find myself dealing withThe upside-down, inside-out version --Where nothing goes as it should.It's at this point that the realTest of my character comes in..Do I sink, or do I swim?Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,Or simply shift gearsAnd make the best of the situation?The choice is all mine...Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

Suzy Toronto

You can't make footprints in the sand of time if you're sitting on your butt, and who wants to make buttprints in the sand of time?

Bob Moawad

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

Oscar Wilde