Funny Quotes

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

Brandon Sanderson

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.It was made of grass.

Steven Wright

I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

Bauvard

I'm convinced that Theoretical Physicist is just another way of saying BS Artist.

J.C. Cassels

I think we agree, the past is over.

George W. Bush

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

One time I went to a drivein in a taxi cab. The movie cost me$95.

Steven Wright

Have nuts and be nuts.

Criss Jami

Laughter is the hand of God on the shoulder of a troubled world.

Grady Nutt

Why be ordinary when you can be extraordinary?

Alan Dapre

PISTOL-Say'st thou me so? is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy: ask me this slave in French What is his name.Boy-Ecoutez: comment etes-vous appele?French Soldier-Monsieur le Fer.Boy- He says his name is Master Fer.PISTOL-Master Fer! I'll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him: discuss the same in French unto him.Boy-I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk.

William Shakespeare

Write - because you will explode if you don't, your brain will expand with words like a balloon filling with air....

Sarah Colliver

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Albert Einstein

It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry.

David Baldacci

HAMLET I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)

William Shakespeare

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

Anna Godbersen

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

George Carlin

When the management iceberg is shaped like a huge phallus, you know that there are a lot of tossers that the top penguin has had to climb over to reach the tip and that there is no shortage of the same caliber of penguin in the balls and shaft of the corporation, just waiting for their chance to get a spurt to the top. Should I sugar coat this a little more? or tell it like it is?

Daniel Prokop

You can go to a play that is enjoyable because it's funny, and then on the next night you can go to a play that's enjoyable because it's 'disturbing.'

Wallace Shawn

Under capitalism, man exploits man; while under socialism just the reverse is true.

John Kenneth Galbraith