Funny Quotes

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing.

Anne Rice

In Italy, I had an Afro, and a lot of the kids came up and felt my hair. It really was funny. I wish I had understood Italian.

Sugar Ray Leonard

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

Paul Feig

I truly believe that when you're funny, you're blessed. Your whole life is kind of golden. I was happy, although it was not perfect happiness. There was illness and sadness and death.

Martin Short

What really holds their marriage together are mutual respect of an awesome depth, a shared sense of humor, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves, and a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.

Dean Koontz

Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.

Nick Hornby

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

Anne Lamott

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.

Sue Monk Kidd

Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.

William Shakespeare

What is this thing called love? This funny thing called love? Just who can solve this mystery? Why should it make a fool of me?

Cole Porter

Nothing but good times ahead.

Jennifer Crusie

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room.

Sandy Nathan

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

Cassandra Clare

The married thing. Sometimes I look at it and feel like someone from a Dickens novel, standing outside in the cold and staring in at Christmas dinner. Relationships hadn't ever really worked for me. I think it's had something to do with all the demons, ghosts, and human sacrifice.

Jim Butcher

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Dave Barry

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.

Oscar Wilde

In those moments it's hard to remember that an angry voice is an invisible thing incapable of drawing blood.

Amanda Howells

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels.

Mark Twain

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.

Jason Mraz