Funny Quotes

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Anne Frank

(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

Terry Pratchett

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

I moved into an allelectric house. I forgot and left the porchlight on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Steven Wright

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She'd seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not takingall the rest. And there were so many sweets he'd never be able to eatthem all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burstinto tears.

Terry Pratchett

Genius feels like an over extended Helium balloon about to burst, and everyone criticizes you for not having a conventional way of coping with it.

Solange nicole

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.

Dakota Dawn

It's cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.

Jonathan Maberry

The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizeable proportion of which are continually clogging up the civil, commercial, and criminal courts in all areas of the Galaxy, and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this.The previous sentence makes sense. That is not the problem.This is:Change.Read it through again and you'll get it.

Douglas Adams

Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that's how people grow up.

Morrissey

There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.

Michael Kurland

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Mark Twain

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar andasked her, Do you live around here often? She said, You'rewearing two different colored socks. I said, Yes, but to methey're the same because I go by thickness. Then she asked,How do you feel? and I said, Well, you know when you'resitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legsthen you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the lastsecond you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

The funny thing is that I write and I act a lot about being Jewish, but I don't really think about it as a regular person.

Liev Schreiber

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a form of service journalism. To be successful, I think it has to be a combination of a good story, it has to be funny, and it also needs to be packed with useful information.

Ted Allen

I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips.

R. L. Stine

Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.

Oscar Wilde

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children.

Jane Austen

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

Jarod Kintz