Funny Quotes

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Wilson Mizner

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Jerry Seinfeld

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

Cassandra Clare

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in's own house.

William Shakespeare

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Douglas Adams

Chevy Chase and Bill Murray - we thought those guys were funny. We love Bill Murray, but we didn't think they were right for Airplane! because it would step on the joke if there was a known comedian.

David Zucker

I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead.

Mark Twain

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

William Shakespeare

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

Nikola Tesla

Life sucks, and then you die...

Stephenie Meyer

By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

J.K. Rowling

Oh, well, faint heart never won so much as a scrap of paper

Dorothy L. Sayers

Science is what we have learned about how not to fool ourselves about the way the world is.

Richard Feynman

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

George Bernard Shaw

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore!

Morrissey

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Passion is when a person all of a sudden becomes terribly important. It is even more unfair when they become memorable.

Bauvard

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.[, 1 November 1996]

Arthur C. Clarke

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Oscar Wilde

On some level in acting, what you're trying to find is truth, because when it's true is when it's also funny.

David Hyde Pierce