Funny Quotes

You cannot function in an unction you don't take action on.

Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

Dave Attell

We took a bus to the nearby monastery of one of the last great Tang dynasty Chan masters, Yun-men. Yun-men was known for his pithy one word Zen. When asked What is the highest teaching of the Buddha? he replied: An appropriate statement. On another occasion, he answered: Cake. I admired his directness.

Stephen Batchelor

I'd like to do a film which is funny.

Clive Owen

I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

LeBron James

Memories are doing funny things to us.

Milos Forman

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

Mindy Kaling

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Bill Watterson

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

Oscar Wilde

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

Garry Shandling

Please don't die.

Randy Pausch

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Hillary Clinton

A tip for increased sales or in situations of life or death: Try to always refer to the lady as Miss. or Ms. Using the term: Ma'am could piss her off.

Ginnetta Correli

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

Russell Brand

Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)

Douglas Adams

You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.

J.K. Rowling

Paddle Harder

Lauren Myracle

The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or the ethanol content of the galactic cloud W-3. The quantity of 200-proof alcohol in this single interstellar cloud was more than enough to maintain the present population of the Earth, if every adult were a dedicated alcoholic, for the age of the solar system. The tamada had appreciated the remark.

Carl Sagan

A general principle concerning the gender of bears has been established years ago by bear supervisor König from Bern, after over thirty years of observation. It allows for predictions and states, in short, that when a female bear bears three cubs, and they aren't all male or female, it will invariably be either two males and a female, or two females and a male.

Wolfgang Klein

For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil.

Lisa Logue