Funny Quotes

Dignity in a man may be more beautiful than a pretty face, but no one will ever respect his daughters.

Bauvard

I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. back through time finds me trouble enough!

A.A. Bell

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

Jane Austen

Good people left me breathless and wondering. How had they got that way? How good were they, anyway? How would it feel to be good? Then I hit middle age and suddenly I wanted to be a better person and to know that I was living a good life.

Judith O'Reilly

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody'ssatellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign? I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

William Faulkner

Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.

Oliver Hassencamp

It's not that I want to work for Williams-Sonoma, , it's just that you guys have the money and I don't.

FAXBoy

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

Jenny Han

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Bill Watterson

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Albert Einstein

You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett

Julia Quinn

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.

Tom Lehrer

The supernatural world was like an onion. You peel back the layers, only to find more layers, on and on, hopelessly trying to reach the mysterious core. Then you start crying.

Carrie Vaughne

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

Bill Bryson

This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me.' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man.' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible.

Rory McIlroy

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

David Spade

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mikealong the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

Steven Wright

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo