Funny Quotes

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.

Kristen Stewart

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, Get out of my driveway!

Steven Wright

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

Stephen King

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

Megan Fox

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Terry Pratchett

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

Stephen King

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Angelina Jolie

There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.

Paulo Coelho

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load.

Rodney Dangerfield

Well, why did you kill Jeremiah? And don't bother feeding me some story about how you just happened to wander along after he spontaneously died. I know you did this.

Cassandra Clare

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE.

Terry Pratchett

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one.

Steve Maraboli

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,and smile for a satellite picture.

Steven Wright

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.

Terry Pratchett

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

Cassandra Clare

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

If you write the word monkey a million times, do you start tothink you're Shakespeare?

Steven Wright

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX.

Neil Gaiman