Funny Quotes

Astriola. That IS demon pox. You had evidence that demon pox existed and you didnt mention it to me! Et tu, Brute!' He rolled up the paper and hit Jem over the head with it.

Cassandra Clare

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.-Can we?-Damned if I know. I can't.-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.-Can you?-No!-Ah-ha!

Terry Pratchett

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Steve Martin

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

J.K. Rowling

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

Zac Efron

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave afan club?

Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyonebought anything today.

Steven Wright

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Cathy Guisewite

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.

J.K. Rowling

My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.

Anna Held

There were only three times in your life when it was proper to come through the front door, and you were carried every time.

Terry Pratchett

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they leftearlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds.

Anthony Anderson

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

Shaun White

When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.

Esther Williams

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

Kevin James

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

Joe Rogan

When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you know that it's really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends from college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny.

Darren Criss

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.

Ellen DeGeneres