Funny Quotes

And write what you love - don't feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny.

Cassandra Clare

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Keanu Reeves

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what things were originally made for.

Oscar Wilde

Upon my word, sir, your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make ME happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so. Nay, were your friend Lady Catherine to know me, I am persuaded she would find me in every respect ill qualified for the situation.

Jane Austen

She was nothing more than a mere good-tempered, civil and obliging Young Woman; as such we could scarcely dislike her -- she was only an Object of Contempt

Jane Austen

I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.

Charles Dickens

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

There's a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.

Tennessee Williams

For years, it's driven me crazy that women don't have better roles, especially in comedies. I know so many funny women but I always felt... misogynist streak is too strong a term - but a dismissiveness.

Paul Feig

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with Englishsubtitles.

Steven Wright

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

Kurt Vonnegut

I know how to use a fellytone now.

J.K. Rowling

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

J.K. Rowling

The sky already fell. Now what?

Steven Wright

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--

Cassandra Clare

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

Dave Chappelle

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Albert Einstein

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in acloset for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevatorpractice.

Steven Wright

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

John Green

You look lousy,' he said. Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.''No I mean it. You don't look good.''This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-' 'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped.

Cassandra Clare