Funny Quotes

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

John Green

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.

Terry Pratchett

It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'

Garrett Hedlund

I can't stop thinking like this.

Steven Wright

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it.

Cassandra Clare

I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books a supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of crating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.

John Green

Will speechless for once, a glass of water frozen halfway to his lips

Cassandra Clare

People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in.''And do what exactly?' said Polly.'Threaten to shoot them,' said Maladict firmly.'And if they don't believe us?''Then we'll threaten to shoot them ,' said Maladict. 'Happy? And I hope to hell they've got some coffee!

Terry Pratchett

People used to be funny about approaching me, but now they seem to think I'm as sane as anyone who's done what I've done in movies can be.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

No good deed goes unpunished.

Oscar Wilde

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

Margaret Smith

Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

J.K. Rowling

Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

Terry Pratchett

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

Neil Gaiman

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street.

Neil Gaiman

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Steven Wright

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

Rodney Dangerfield

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

Terry Pratchett