Funny Quotes

CHOW^TM contained spun, plaited, and woven protein molecules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no-cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly, the nutritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman.

Neil Gaiman

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

H. L. Mencken

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

Orson Scott Card

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

Mark Twain

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.

Douglas Adams

DEAFNESS DOESN'T PREVENT COMPOSERS HEARING THE MUSIC. IT PREVENTS THEM HEARING THE DISTRACTIONS.

Terry Pratchett

90% of the game is half mental.

Yogi Berra

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

Ellen DeGeneres

Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.

Anonymous

Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

C.S. Lewis

Of course, he said, he who is of a certain nature, is like those who areof a certain nature; he who is not, not.

Plato

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!

J.K. Rowling

I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.

Jerry Stiller

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen

Stephen King

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.

Oscar Wilde

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Rob Corddry