Funny Quotes

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had this funny blonde hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird.

Nicky Hilton

Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!

J.K. Rowling

I had a cat once, but every time I tried to give him a bath, the fur stuck to my tongue.

Murdock

The universe is, instant by instant, recreated anew. There is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.

Terry Pratchett

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying!

Josh Hutcherson

There never was a man with such a face as yours, unless it was your father, and I suppose is singeing his grizzled red beard by this time, unless you came straight from the old un without any father at all betwixt you; which I shouldn't wonder at, a bit.

Charles Dickens

The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has it's own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you.

Terry Pratchett

jace's clothes had been clean,stylish,ordinary. Sebastian had been wearing a long black wool trench coat that had looked expensive. Like an evil Burbeery ad, Simon said when she was done.

Cassandra Clare

Red sky at night, the city's alight.

Terry Pratchett

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Albert Einstein

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thien own knee?

William Shakespeare

He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seemed so beautiful as they rolled up and down with the wind, landing on the ground and then twirling and floating up again, falling and rising and falling and rising.

John Green

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

Oscar Wilde

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

Logan P. Smith

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.

Terry Pratchett

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

Christopher Hitchens

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sunwouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored

Cassandra Clare