Funny Quotes

At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef.

Eric McCormack

I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I've been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men and women being pecked to death by predatory birds. The birds are invisible - at least until a psychiatrist who is good, or lucky, or both, sprays them with his version of Luminol and shines the right light on them - but they are nevertheless very real. The wonder is that so many OCDs manage to live productive lives, just the same. They work, they eat (often not enough or too much, it's true), they go to movies, they make love to their girlfriends and boyfriends, their wives and husbands . . . and all the time those birds are there, clinging to them and pecking away little bits of flesh.

Stephen King

I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

J.K. Rowling

To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.

Stephen King

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

Michael Morpurgo

I read a lot of scripts that I just don't find very funny.

Jennifer Aniston

And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.

Fran Drescher

It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible.

Johnny Knoxville

She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.

Charles Dickens

There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were... what was the word... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style.

Terry Pratchett

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

It's a funny thing because you look at the careers of other filmmakers, and you see them sort of slow down, and you realize, maybe this becomes harder to do as you get older. That's sort of a cautionary thing. I hope it doesn't happen to me.

Joel Coen

Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are.

Gabrielle Reece

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

Molly Ivins

It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.

Jeff Bridges

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Stephen King

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

J.K. Rowling

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.

Terry Pratchett

Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!

J.K. Rowling

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Steven Wright