Funny Quotes

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

John Green

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

Benjamin Franklin

It's funny, in a way the actor is a writer. It's not like the two things are so separate as to be like apples and oranges. The writer and the actor are one.

Sam Shepard

Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.

Terry Pratchett

It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I'm skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big, when I was big, I never thought about it.

Karl Lagerfeld

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a oneway deadend road; I don't know how I got there.

Steven Wright

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Matt Groening

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

Rodney Dangerfield

It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.

Terry Pratchett

Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless recovered.

Leo Tolstoy

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.

Albert Brooks

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!

Rodney Dangerfield

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

J.K. Rowling

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.

Fanny Brice

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing.

Friedrich Nietzsche

I washed mud, off of mud.

Steven Wright

Most horses don't walk backwards voluntarily, because what they can't see doesn't exist.

Terry Pratchett