Humor Quotes

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore!

Morrissey

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Passion is when a person all of a sudden becomes terribly important. It is even more unfair when they become memorable.

Bauvard

Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor it is the sign that he wants all the truth.

Mark Van Doren

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.[, 1 November 1996]

Arthur C. Clarke

I visualized myself pulling on my mental thinking cap, jamming it down around my ears as I had taught myself to do. It was a tall, conical wizard's model, covered with chemical equations and formulae: a cornucopia of ideas.

Alan Bradley

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

Douglas Adams

We have a certain warped sense of humor in Scandinavia, and that is what comes across in the choices in a lot of our movies.

Connie Nielsen

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

Mark Twain

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen

Ms. Bennett, do you know who I am? I am not accustomed to being spoken to in such a manner.

Jane Austen

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

Oscar Wilde

Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

William Shakespeare

A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.

Robert Laughlin

A metaphor is like a simile.

Steven Wright

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you're going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don't you wear some clothes that fir for a change?-Turn it down. I can hear it all the way over here.-You're not eating that for dinner.-Did you do your homework?-Stop mumbling and speak up.-Now what did you do?-Because I said so.-No.

Charles Benoit

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

Toba Beta

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.

Paul Graham

He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

Christopher Paolini

I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.

Rodney Dangerfield