Humor Quotes

When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertinence.

Thomas W. Higginson

Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.

Margaret Cho

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw themost gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,Hi, and she said, Hi, and then I said, Nice day, isn'tit?, and she said, I saw my analyst today and he says I have aproblem. So I asked, What's the problem? She replied, Ican't tell you. I don't even know you... I said, Wellsometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect strangeron a bus. So she said, Well, my analyst said I'm anymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, myname is Denise. I said, Hello, Denise. My name is BuckyGoldstein...

Steven Wright

Dignity in a man may be more beautiful than a pretty face, but no one will ever respect his daughters.

Bauvard

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

Jane Austen

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody'ssatellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign? I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

William Faulkner

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

Jenny Han

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Bill Watterson

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Albert Einstein

You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett

Julia Quinn

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.

Tom Lehrer

The supernatural world was like an onion. You peel back the layers, only to find more layers, on and on, hopelessly trying to reach the mysterious core. Then you start crying.

Carrie Vaughne

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mikealong the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

Steven Wright

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

You cannot function in an unction you don't take action on.

Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

Mindy Kaling

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Bill Watterson

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

Oscar Wilde