Humor Quotes

Please don't die.

Randy Pausch

A tip for increased sales or in situations of life or death: Try to always refer to the lady as Miss. or Ms. Using the term: Ma'am could piss her off.

Ginnetta Correli

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

Russell Brand

Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)

Douglas Adams

You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.

J.K. Rowling

The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or the ethanol content of the galactic cloud W-3. The quantity of 200-proof alcohol in this single interstellar cloud was more than enough to maintain the present population of the Earth, if every adult were a dedicated alcoholic, for the age of the solar system. The tamada had appreciated the remark.

Carl Sagan

A general principle concerning the gender of bears has been established years ago by bear supervisor König from Bern, after over thirty years of observation. It allows for predictions and states, in short, that when a female bear bears three cubs, and they aren't all male or female, it will invariably be either two males and a female, or two females and a male.

Wolfgang Klein

For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil.

Lisa Logue

Incompetence in mathematics is no proof of brilliance. You must be ignorant of science and geography as well. That is the gold standard of American education.

Bauvard

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

Jefferson Smith

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory. ?

Jarod Kintz

Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

Tessa Dare

For others, in spite of myself, from myself.

Emmanuel Levinas

No, said Hermione shortly. Have either of you seen my copy of ?Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading, said Ron, but very quietly.

J.K. Rowling

Humor is tragedy plus time

Mark Twain

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing...maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.

J.K. Rowling

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Steven Wright

There ARE people who won't customarily eat an entire row of cookies, or hear food calling their name from other rooms, or who don't grind up food in the garbage disposal for fear of eating it, or get it back out of the garbage so they could eat it. Of course, my binge eating was just a cover-up for the larger issue: Trying to fill the emptiness

SARK

We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.

Val Edward Simone

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

Criss Jami