Humor Quotes

Q: But what do you think that the Bible, itself, says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?A: I never made a calculationQ: What do you think?A: I do not think about things I don't think about.Q: Do you think about things you do think about?A: Well, sometimes.

Scopes Trial

I have seen the very bottom of life: I was so afraid I wouldn't be funny anymore. I just knew that I would lose my zaniness and my sense of humor. But I didn't. Recovery turned out to be a wonderful thing.

Ann Richards

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

Betty White

Congratulations!Today is your day.You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!

Dr. Seuss

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

William Shakespeare

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

Wherefore, I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the desolation wrought.

Mark Twain

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Oscar Wilde

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments

Albert Einstein

Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time.

Terry Pratchett

...it seems to me that sometimes-or perhaps I might venture most of the time-occurrences have no cause at all. New stars appear and old ones vanish. Short hats become popular again. Things are as they are and do as they please for absolutely no reason at all.

Galen Beckett

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Mark Twain

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Don Roff

As we all know, blinking lights means science.

Joss Whedon

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

George Carlin

Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeats--repeats--repeats--repeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true.

Mark Twain

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear.

William Shakespeare

It was Will who broke the silence. Very well. You have me alone in the corridor Yes, yes, said Tessa impatiently, and thousands of women all over England would pay handsomely for the privilege of such an opportunity. Can we put aside the display of your wit for a moment? This is important.

Cassandra Clare

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter's wheel. That's how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn't be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies.

Terry Pratchett