Humor Quotes

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)

Cassandra Clare

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

I refuse to put God into a little box I can handle, for that would insult us both.

L.M. Fields

People are so cheap. Everyone wants quality, no one wants to pay for it. Here's the suburban dream-- to hire great workers who are such meek morons that they don't have the guts to ask for a living wage.

Joan Bauer

Of course, he didn't know anything about these Indonesians, or why they would have been there at this moment to save his life, but the fact that they had guns and weren't firing them at him implied that for the moment, at least, they were his dearest friends.

Orson Scott Card

Deal with him, Hemingway!

James Joyce

We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

J.K. Rowling

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

Mark Twain

I'm sure there are people who survive tragedy without humor, but I've never met any of them. Nor would I be particularly interested in writing about them if I did meet them.

Ayelet Waldman

It is a State of Mind... and am the president

ken carlson N

The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.

Terry Pratchett

At best he read popular science magazines like the Scientific American he had now, to keep himself up-to-date, in layman's terms, with physics generally. But even then his concentration was marred, for a lifetime's habit made him inconveniently watchful for his own name. He saw it as if in bold. It could leap out at him from an unread double page of small print, and sometimes he could sense it coming before the page turn.

Ian Mcewan

When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you're with your friends it's like every fifth word. Why couldn't learning Spanish be that easy?

Charles Benoit

The face of a truly happy man seldom lacks smiles.

Ogwo David Emenike

I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.

R.J. Palacio

Many years ago I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of America becoming humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power corrupts us absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas.

Kurt Vonnegut

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Rodney Dangerfield

The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.

Karen Hughes

When life's got you down, keep your head up... you can't see the ground anyway

Nicole Rae

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.

Rodney Dangerfield