Humor Quotes

I have three kids, one of each.

Rodney Dangerfield

Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory.

Joshua Foer

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.

Allen Klein

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Rodney Dangerfield

fine, go ahead. kiss me right now.alec stared in horror.exactly. despite my staggering good looks, you actually don't like me that way

Cassandra Clare

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX adollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Wright

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.

Kurt Vonnegut

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.

Terry Pratchett

CHOW^TM contained spun, plaited, and woven protein molecules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no-cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly, the nutritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman.

Neil Gaiman

I think hip-hop does a very good job of infusing comedy and humor and wit into music, a lot more than other genres.

Carrie Brownstein

People who can't be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

George Eliot

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

Orson Scott Card

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

Mark Twain

A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally.

John Ratzenberger

DEAFNESS DOESN'T PREVENT COMPOSERS HEARING THE MUSIC. IT PREVENTS THEM HEARING THE DISTRACTIONS.

Terry Pratchett

Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

C.S. Lewis

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen

Stephen King

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.

Oscar Wilde

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright