Humor Quotes

Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

Sacha Baron Cohen

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

Chuck Palahniuk

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

Benny Bellamacina

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Patrick Rothfuss

Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems.

Dan Castellaneta

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

Ogwo David Emenike

Love's a funny thing, especially with a man who gets paid to put junk in other people's slots. (The Mail Man)

Andrew Sturm

Laboring through a world every day more stultified, which expected salvation in codes and governments, ever more willing to settle for suburban narratives and diminished payoffs--what were the chances of finding anyone else seeking to transcend that, and not even particularly aware of it?

Thomas Pynchon

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

Chuck Palahniuk

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Bauvard

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.

Jarod Kintz

In every relationship one must sacrifice to show thy love. Are you willing to make sacrifices for someone you love?

Jonathan Anthony Burkett

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

Chuck Klosterman

The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune.

Bert Williams

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Steve Martin

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and transformed her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Jess C. Scott

It's one thing to have a divinely inspired love given to you to experience and share; it's something else altogether to recognize it when it appears. Our job is to go on being humbled and grateful that we should get to experience such a thing in our lifetimes, and preserve its magic by doing the most responsible thing possible to keep it alive . . . Just keep saying yes.

Mark Fiore

Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.

Neil Simon

Courtly love is forbidden but morally transcendent. If the secret gets out, relations between judges and lawyers could do a lot for our corrupt legal system.

Bauvard

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender.

Carroll Bryant