Dennis Miller Quotes

A collection of quotes by Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller is an American comedian, actor, and television personality, known for his unique and sharp-witted humor. He was born on November 3, 1953, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Miller began his career in the late 1970s as a stand-up comedian, gaining recognition for his intelligent and satirical style of comedy.

In the 1980s, Miller emerged as a prominent figure in the comedy scene with appearances on various television shows, such as "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson." His quick wit and clever wordplay quickly made him a favorite among audiences. Moreover, Miller's career soared in the 1990s when he became the host of the enormously popular talk show "Dennis Miller Live" on HBO.

Miller's success on his talk show led him to other ventures, including writing and appearing on numerous late-night talk shows, as well as taking on acting roles in both television and film. He also became a regular commentator on political shows, where he would often incorporate his humorous perspective into analyzing current events.

With his distinct style and comedic prowess, Dennis Miller has established himself as a prominent figure in American comedy. His ability to blend humor and intellect has garnered him a loyal fan base and recognition as one of the most influential comedians of his time.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Love Legal System

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of globa

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Love People Phoenix

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destructio

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directe

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're i

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

You know there is a problem with the education system when y

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I rant, therefore I am.

I rant, therefore I am.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until t

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license pr

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to ke

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, e

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's poli

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always thi

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone migh

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- fir

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms.. both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.