I can talk to all of you, but I canâ€™t talk to any of you.
Men want to make women happy.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
I love being a dad. I just love it.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.
If you're more interested in what you have achieved, or what you're financial position enables you to do than that thing that got those things, you're screwed.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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