Funny Quotes

The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.

Francesca Annis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan

I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - I love changing up my hair.

Kate Bosworth

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Bob Hope

For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy.

George A. Romero

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking.

Guy Pearce

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

Paul Merton

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Will Rogers

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? Idon't get it...

Steven Wright

Avoid stock expressions (like the plague, as William Safire used to say) and repetitions. Don't say that as a boy your grandmother used to read to you, unless at that stage of her life she really was a boy, in which case you have probably thrown away a better intro. If something is worth hearing or listening to, it's very probably worth reading. So, this above all: Find your own voice.

Christopher Hitchens

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

Ruby Wax

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Ambrose Bierce