Funny Quotes

I never look at the brass. It only encourages them.

Thomas Beechum

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Will Rogers

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Josh Billings

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Winston Churchill

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Mark Twain

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Oscar Wilde

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Will Rogers

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'

Anna Torv

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Anonymous

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.

Gertrude Stein

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Mitch Hedberg

We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.

David Walliams

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Craig Ferguson

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Mark Twain

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

After all is said and done - more is said than done.

Anonymous