Funny Quotes

Someday we'll find it. The Rainbow Connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Jim Henson

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

Stephen Hawking

What would the new teacher, representing France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing valuable about railroading. Steamshipping? No. France has no superiorities over us in that matter. Steamboating? No. French steamboating is still of Fulton's date--1809. Postal service? No. France is a back number there. Telegraphy? No, we taught her that ourselves. Journalism? No. Magazining? No, that is our own specialty. Government? No; Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Nobility, Democracy, Adultery the system is too variegated for our climate. Religion? No, not variegated enough for our climate. Morals? No, we cannot rob the poor to enrich ourselves.

Mark Twain

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Steven Wright

THE HE-ANCIENT: When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth STREPHON: Yes; and take all the fun out of it.

George Bernard Shaw

How I should despise such a thing if I were a man. What a nose she has! what a chin! what a neck! Then her eyes--and the worst kissing lips in the universe.

John Vanbrugh

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

Alex Potvin

Women talk when they want to. Or don't.

Robert A. Heinlein

Most species do their own evolving, making it up as they go along, which is the way Nature intended. And this is all very natural and organic and in tune with mysterious cycles of the cosmos, which believes that theres nothing like millions of years of really frustrating trial and error to give a species moral fiber and, in some cases, backbone.

Terry Pratchett

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Steven Wright

Barry L. Jacobs and colleagues from the neuroscience program at Princeton University showed that when mice ran every day on an exercise wheel, they developed more brain cells and they learned faster than sedentary controls. I believe in mice.

Bernd Heinrich

You know what i can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, i mean endlessly, i've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?

David Nicholls

(About Love)The most important thing in life, and you can't tell whether people have it or not. Surely this is wrong? Surely people who are happy should look happy, at all times, no matter how much money they have or how uncomfortable their shoes are or how little their child is sleeping; and people who are doing OK but have still not found their soul-mate should look, I don't know, anxious, like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally; and people who are desperate should wear something, a yellow ribbon maybe, which would allow them to be identified by similar desperate people.

Nick Hornby

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I've listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

Toba Beta

Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit.

Terry Pratchett

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.

Sherman Alexie

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin

Your boss loves your ideas ... it's you he doesn't care about.

Steven Charles

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

Santosh Kalwar

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

Douglas Adams