Funny Quotes

The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love - that's the reason one should never marry.

Oscar Wilde

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short...

Steven Wright

I had been to school most all the time, and could spell, and read, and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don't reckon I could ever get any further than that if I was to live forever. I don't take no stock in mathematics, anyway.

Mark Twain

The hard core of morality and even of religion seems to me to be just what makes good comedy possible...Where there is no norm, nothing can be ridiculous, except for a brief moment of unbalanced provincialism in which we may laugh at the merely unfamiliar. Unless there is something about which the author is never ironical, there can be no true irony in the work.

C.S. Lewis

If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stockbroker's do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Oscar Wilde

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Albert Einstein

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

Mark Twain

Have you tried talking to her? No, Jace said, we've been punching her repeatedly in the face instead.

Cassandra Clare

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

Rodney Dangerfield

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?

Henry David Thoreau

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Mark Twain

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

Jarod Kintz

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thyfriends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it...deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,a cooling fan of feathers.

Thomas Dekker

People either have comedy or they don't. You can't teach it to them.

Lucille Ball

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica? ?

Jarod Kintz

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Erma Bombeck

and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.

Charles Dickens

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.

Joanne Harris