Funny Quotes

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Josh Stern

I love sketch comedy. My real goal is to do something with Albert Brooks. That would be my fantasy. I stay up night and day thinking up stuff he might find funny.

Illeana Douglas

If young love is just a game then i must have missed the kickoff

Blink 182

Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.

Douglas Adams

Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory.

John Lancaster Spalding

Did you let him know that if he can't see fit to return your blow job immediately, you will have no choice but to sue?

Meg Cabot

We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner.

Cyrus the Great

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Jordan Sonnenblick

Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

Jarod Kintz

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

George Carlin

Unfortunately it's also true to say that good management is a bit like oxygen - it's invisible and you don't notice its presence until it's gone, and then you're sorry.

Charles Stross

There is no reason to regard God as immune fromconsideration along the spectrum of probabilities. And there iscertainly no reason to suppose that, just because God can be neitherproved nor disproved, his probability of existence is 50 per cent.

Richard Dawkins

Wedded she some years, and to a manOf fifty, and such husbands are in plenty;And yet, I think, instead of such a ONE'Twere better to have TWO of five and twenty...

George Gordon Byron

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.?

Jarod Kintz

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Anyone who believes that exponential economic growth can go on forever on a finite planet must either be a madman or an economist.

Kenneth Boulding

Why don't you find out for yourself?Then you'll see the glass, hidden in the grass.

Morrissey

The sexy don't get wrinkles, they add love lines like a tree adds rings. So climb on them for the view.

Bauvard

If you just stop and think, baby, honey, love is a funny thing. Whatever you put in, that's what you expect to gain.

Jimmy Reed

Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

Don Roff